The moment I started doubting myself (Part 1). The context.

Dear Hannah, In 1999, you were in the playground at school. You had your hair in plaits and wearing the big comfy school fleece. You were playing tag. Then the game changed to girlfriends and boyfriends. The girlfriends were suddenly allowed into the hut. All the boys had grabbed a girl and run into this wooden hut. No one grabbed your hand.

But you ran in anyway because you didn't want to be left out. You were determined to be part of the fun. But one of the boys said "no Hannah you can't come, you not one of our girlfriends". You said "so" but they blocked you from going in. I think you then ran off and found some less popular boys to play with and they accepted you.

In 2017, at 24 years old, I forgive you. I forgive you for deciding we aren't good enough for the popular boys. I forgive you for deciding we/I am ugly. I forgive you for getting scared and running away to avoid further rejection. I forgive you for deciding that I/we can only be good enough for not so strong boys. I forgive you for making it mean I don't matter to boys/men. I forgive you for deciding that I'm not perfect enough and my clothes are ugly. I forgive you for deciding I'm the odd one out, the ugly duckling, and there's something wrong with being different and active and adventurous and independent-minded.

I forgive you for deciding to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. I forgive you for shutting down on who you are. I forgive you for shutting down who I am and buying into who I am is not perfect. I forgive you for accepting that I am not perfect. For thinking I am imperfect.

I forgive you for taking on I am imperfect and all I can and ever will be is imperfect and incomplete. I forgive you for deciding your voice is unimportant.

I choose to be ten times more proud and ten times more excited about what I am up to in life. I am powerful, loving, lovable and creative. AND ADVENTUROUS!

I matter.

We matter. We are important. We contribute. We are free.

I. Am. Free!

I let you and the stories and the decisions go.

Enjoy nothingness. I love you.

Lots and lots of love, 

Present & Future Han (aka Hannah) x


*The evening after I wrote that letter.