Alone vs lonely on the road
“If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn’t leave you alone in South America.”
- random stranger on a night bus in Brazil (2014)*.
Truthfully, I don’t actually remember when I first started travelling alone as I’ve always been pretty independent and comfortable visiting places by myself. But the above comment was one of the first times I became very aware of being alone - and by chance in a foreign country. All I was doing was going about life as I wanted to and a stranger felt entitled to tell me, an alone person, about what I should be doing.
He’s not the only one who’s given unsolicited opinions like this. This is just one of the many comments and situations that I - and many others - have dealt with, while travelling and actually based somewhere.
From bosses telling me I’m boring for being the only team member not dating, to friends wanting me to date again so they can ‘live vicariously through me’ and strangers making uncalled for comments... I’ve had enough.
2022 got off to a bit of a mad start for me and so I’ve been spending the last few days mostly by myself in my Zagreb Airbnb. Getting out of bed when I want to, back into bed when I want to, all the indulgent things. And this all came to a head for me when I took the selfie below and thought: I don’t look entirely comfortable being back out in front of the camera, but I look calm. And I look like me. And I’m alone. And I’m completely okay and happy for myself for that.
And it felt kind of relevant to share.
Being alone vs being lonely on the road
I’ve officially been single for about four years now, and if you’re subscribed to The Remote Life newsletter you’ll know about what led to this decision. And I don’t regret a second.
Taking time to get to know myself, what I stand for and how I want to show up in this world. Exploring who I want to be as a friend, a contractor, a partner to someone but also for myself has been one of the best life choices I’ve ever made. And as an extroverted introvert, it’s taken time being physically by myself at times to get to this place.
Sometimes this has meant taking solo trips to cafes, throwing myself into joyful experiences (hello Insta Ball Pit in Madrid) or like the last few days just staying put in my cute little Zagreb Airbnb. Journalling, meditating, having a silent disco party by myself (these places are cute, but normally in older buildings with zero sound proofing after all)! Cooking great food, watching films in bed, catching up on some reading.
After two years of lockdowns and uncertainty and honestly, a whole lot of alone time, I’d love for 2022 to be the year where we start normalising taking time to be alone. Because when I have had time to be on my lonesome, I come back so much better a friend, and produce such better results on projects.
However, I don’t want to skip over the fact that solo travelling and solo remote life can be, at times, lonely. Are there days that I wish I could share more of the day to day small moments with someone? Friends or a partner, sure! Even doggo cuddles, boy do I miss those every so often! (And my sister’s dog found that one out over Christmas, haha!)
I don’t know about you, but particularly since becoming aware of myself in the last four years, I’ve begun to feel alone in certain groups of people now as well. And if you’ve found that too, I just wanted to say: I’ve got you and I get it!
I’ve generally found that I feel lonely when I wish I could share things with people, but am not sure who, or when I don’t feel like I fit in with the energy in the room. Or in another extreme, I’ve spent too much time by myself and am finding an excuse not to go out because staying safe at home (driving myself mentally crazy) has become more comfortable. Loneliness is multifaceted but typically has an unease to it. Whereas being alone is like going about your daily business and doing everything you want to with no qualms.
So how do I get back over the line from lonely to being alone?
Journalling is key for me - I took the exercise from The Artist’s Way - in writing down thoughts, no matter what they are. The important thing is to just check in with whatever is floating around up there.
Having an accountability partner - and our two calls a week to check in. Back in July 2020, I knew if I was going to up my life to the next level, I needed someone to hold me accountable to that. And over the course of nearly two years, she has been the only person at times who has told me confidently to keep going with my ideas and goals.
Get outside! Like get dressed, sweats don’t count, go get a coffee and take a walk to the park, beach, whatever is in your area. It’s surprising how a little fresh air can make such a difference to our overall mood and motivation. Maybe book yourself in for a fun experience? Like a new exhibit or that play you wanted to see that no one has the calendar space for? I know I would prefer to remember the experience itself and not the regret from not going. Just saying.
Join online groups for meet ups and events. Go to coffee meet ups and networking events near and far. Not sure you liked that one meet up? Join another room (group). Keep opening different doors until you find the one you want to be in. This week, I made the first move on a nomad group and asked if people wanted to meet up for a glass of wine. So far, so good!
When it comes to love on the road, I’ve heard many a story, and will let you know in due course what has seemingly ‘worked’ (lol). But for now, I’m honestly so calm and relaxed with where I’m at. Alone, exploring a new city and on to another on Friday! Doing work I love and expanding my community.
And the next time I am asked why I’m alone, I will tell them confidently: “because I want to be”. No explanations needed, no fake boyfriend. Living life fully like it’s intended for.
Before I sign off this time, I want to also share that I am grateful to the friends, family and community who are completely accepting of my journey and get that I am happy where I’m at. Love you guys! <3
What’s your favourite thing to do alone?
Han x
*Ps. please don’t let this comment deter you from solo travelling in Brazil. The general local advice in larger cities, it’s safer to travel with at least one other person (preferably a local), and I’ve visited places with people I’ve met in hostels there, fellow classmates and people living in my apartment block. There is always someone, and it’s a massively underrated destination with so much to offer.
